Intimacy versus Sex

What do we mean by intimacy? Intimacy refers to the degree of closeness between one person and another. Many people think of an “intimate relationship” as a relationship where sex is involved. However, sex and intimacy do not mean the same thing. For example, an “intimate friend” may be someone you can share your deepest feelings and secrets with and not be afraid of being judged or “exposed”. In this case, you have an emotionally intimate relationship; that is, a relationship where you and the other person can freely share feelings with each other. This relationship does not need to involve sex to be considered intimate.

Conversely, simply because a relationship is sexual does not mean it is intimate. One phrase often heard recently is “friends with benefits”. Usually this refers to having sexual partners without emotional involvement or commitment (sometimes called “sex buddies”). It sounds great to some people; after all, as long as both people agree to it, why can’t they just have sex as often as they like with each other and not worry about the effort it takes to establish a truly intimate relationship? It’s sort of like buying a product with a “30-day money back guarantee”; if you don’t like it after you’ve tried it out, simply return it for a full refund. This approach sounds great until you realize that it takes a lot of time and effort to keep “buying and returning” products you don’t like with the possibility that you will never find the “perfect product” that will do whatever you want it to do for as long as you want it to do it.

In considering the “friends with benefits” approach, think about these two questions: (1) What happens if one of the parties starts to get emotionally attached to the other, and (2) What happens if there is an unexpected result, such as getting (or causing another to get) a sexually transmitted disease, pregnant or even arrested for some illegal behavior? Of course, the usual response is that “we are taking all of the necessary precautions” (like following “safe sex” practices). In other words, the “it will never happen to me/us” syndrome takes over. Unfortunately, in reality having sex with another person usually brings out feelings and one person may end up getting hurt when the other decides to quit the “relationship”. As good as safe sex practices are, they are not foolproof and I have talked with several people who experienced an STD or pregnancy even when the “safe sex” practices of birth control and/or condoms were used.

In an ideal world, two people who choose to have sex with each other have already established a trusting, emotionally intimate relationship. We know, however, that this is often not the case and may be part of the reason that a lot of marriages fail. This is especially true with people who have not had healthy adult role models for intimate relationships (usually parents) in their lives. Usually these persons have been raised in families with at least one emotionally unstable parent or primary caregiver. A young child is going to assume that however a parent acts is “normal” because this is the person the child is inherently supposed to trust. Thus, even abusive behavior is seen as “normal” by a child even though it is clearly not “healthy” behavior.

So what does this have to do with developing intimate relationships? Everything. Unless there is some other caregiver/role model that helps the child understand that abusive or neglectful behavior is not “normal” in the sense of fitting within accepted social norms, that child will grow up having difficulty trusting anyone and may even be subconsciously attracted to someone who abuses or rejects him or her just as one or both of the parents did.

[STATISTICS: 637 words, 46 lines, std. letter page, default margins (1-1.25”), Arial font, 10pt.]



Copyright 2008, David Wines. May be reproduced for personal use only.